Self-Space

I once had a friend whose parents would always retreat to his or her own spots in the house after dinner. At the time, I thought it was a little weird that they spent this time apart. They each had their own TV; one would sit on the couch with the newspaper while casually watching baseball game or the nightly news, while the other would sit in the kitchen watching a variety of games shows or shopping networks while she sipped her wine and smoked her Virginia Slims.

Without realizing it, I have come to enjoy the same type of self-space. My sweetheart (flame, love, beau, fiancé…. I haven’t found the perfect permanent name for him yet) and I share dinner together where we bond over stories from the day and review any future plans. We clean up the table together, and then we retreat to our places. He sets himself up in the office area where he can do his thing: consulting work, searching the net, read a magazine, etc. Me, I have a desk in the office too. Only mine is covered in bills, receipts, and misc. things I want to review at a later date. Instead, I find myself on the couch more and more. Not as a potato, but as a magazine reader, Internet searcher, a homework grader, or occasionally a napper. Our couch is unbelievably comfortable and the wide coffee table is at just the right level. And, instead of yelling at each other between rooms, like my friend’s parents once did, my sweetheart (and other names mentioned previously) and I actually instant message each other on our computers with links to news stories, questions about our night’s timeframe, or just quick love notes. I do my thing and he does his. When we are ready, we reconvene to cuddle and watch a movie on our unbelievably comfortable couch, share a glass of wine, or brush our teeth and go to bed.

I like this. Whether its in the bathtub to read a magazine, or in your chair sipping coffee with a crossword, I feel having a place, or a time to be “you” is not rejection, but recognition of your self and the balance you need.

Going back to work

Long after the Back to School Sales start, and before the kids enjoy their last few moments of summer; I have to go back to work. I have a classroom to clean and organize, meetings with other teachers, and lessons to consider for the first few days of school. However, I am ready. Well… I wish I could still sleep in every morning, and continue to casually sip coffee while I catch up on email, news and celebrity gossip. But when it comes down to filling my days up, I am getting a little bored. And honestly, I had one of my best summers ever, so I guess its time to start earning a living again.

When the schools bells declared that summer had begun, a warm rush of relief and excitement swept over me as I considered my time off. So many people may never understand how after 10 months of teaching, a teacher’s mind, body, and spirit become fried and the few weeks off in the summer ensure that teachers will be ready to do it all again next year.

At first I lapped in my luxury of time by eating long lunches with friends, going to the movies during the day, or to the outlet mall when it was crowd free. I resented the fact I committed myself to 2 weeks of summer camp. How could I give up such valuable time? I complained everyday, until the last day, when the counselors shared beers and we opened our paychecks, and we all agreed to do it again next year.

Then came my traveling. I got to see my family at a surprise birthday event in Wisconsin, extend a conference trip to San Diego with my sweetheart and met my parents there, had my first trip to Poland where I attended a Polish wedding, explored Warsaw and hiked around Zakopane. Then back in California I met up with my family again for a wedding at the Firestone Winery on the Central Coast and soon after had a Big Sur Surprise of my own! As one last fling, I flew out to Chicago area to celebrate my sister’s bridal shower and bachelorette, while also spending time with some friends I have had forever.

Whew.

So yes, after an amazing, productive, entertaining, celebratory summer, it is time to go back to work, and I am ready.

A Surprise Day in Paradise

The drive...the views...the hike...the food...the love.

I think I can

If you had to pick a personal mantra, what would it be? Is there a message you already rely on to help you feel more positive, confident, comforted, or thankful? What phrase provides focus when you need to get a grip and manage frustrations, but also helps you recognize a better way to be?

There is a Little Engine frozen in time saying, “I think I can. I think I can.”

And there’s a whole book convincing readers, “Don’t sweat the small stuff”

I’ve been using “Que Sera Sera” for years.

My good friend should be reminding herself, “I deserve better.”

And I could name several people who ought to breathe and repeat “Relax.”

During my first year of teaching, I had two mantras. I don’t remember which one came first, probably because that first year felt like one long, terrible, never-ending day.

Once, after seriously losing my cool in front of the class, a close friend reminded me that I was a professional and I had to act like one. To reinforce this mind-set, I wrote on a slip of paper “I am a professional” and hid it in a locket necklace. Whenever I started to feel a surge in blood pressure at school, I held that locket, or I straightened that chain around my neck and internally repeated the phrase, “I am a professional” in my head. Not that this prevented me from ever losing my temper again, but I think it helped tone it down.

My students were well aware of this necklace; especially in the month of March and beyond. A few of the more meddlesome students noticed the tiny latch and were more than curious to know what was behind that green stone cover. Without revealing what the message said, I told them inside was a note to myself about something I wanted to remember every day. They begged to know for quite some time and I just never could share. I didn’t want them to mock it if it didn’t seem that serious to them.

Then, on this one day when I was sharing the poem “Mother to Son” by Langston Hughes with my class, we got to talking about troubles in our lives. Students expressed impatience and irritation with siblings, school, or home. At that point, my necklace held a slip of paper that said, “Its only a matter of time” to help me focus on finishing out the school year. I repeated this to myself to see past my daily failures and to remind me that the dragging year would end and I would survive with time. So at that appropriate moment, I shared with my students my necklace mantra, and I explained that when I got anxious or frustrated about something in my life, I would tell myself that it was only a matter of time before it would change. I encouraged them to use it when they needed to remember its only a matter of time before their friend stops ignoring them, or their mom finds a new job, or till summer break comes. They just had to look ahead to see how things would change.

Sitting there quietly, they just let me speak my piece and never did mention that necklace of mine again.

Those mantras meant something to me at the time. Today, they are only bookmarks to a time in my life where I needed those specific words to support me.

Currently I try to remind myself that, “Its another beautiful day and I am lucky enough to be in it.”

Now what?

I am a regular reader of blogs and have wanted my own blog for some time now. At last, I had my official blog launch yesterday. I came home to a beautiful bouquet of flowers from my very supportive sweetheart to congratulate me for finally taking this blog on.

And now I have nothing to say.

Where did all my funny little stories go? Or my deep thoughts that demanded online attention? Or even my pesky complaints that I feel somebody ought to read about?

I am sure it is only a matter of time before I clog this space up with the details of my fascinating life.

Hello my name is....

When I was a sophomore in college, I had to take Speech 101 and our first assignment was a two-minute speech about any topic we wanted. Trying to avoid being the geek who brought up note cards on such an informal assignment, but knowing if I didn’t use some kind of guide for my presentation I would just stumble through and sound like a geek anyway. So, I decided to use this two-minute opportunity to introduce myself to the class through how I chose to dress. Every article of clothing, accessory, or detail about my appearance, down to the way I hung my hair in a loosely managed ponytail, was a preplanned cue to keep my short bio flowing and prevent the ummms, uhhhs, and nervous giggle that would have otherwise filled my speech. When I was through, I was not sure the audience was impressed with what they learned from my worn-out doc martens, the drawstring pants, dmb shirt, tiny mushroom earrings, and a lip ring, but I thought I was being unique, natural, and honest.


So this leads me to my current situation. How do I introduce myself to the world wide web and my blogging audience? That girl in college who presented herself to the classroom of strangers no longer tells the story of who I am now years later (although I still can’t get rid of those drawstring pants). And, then there is the possibility that my audience will consist only of people who know me pretty well anyway, leaving this discussion unnecessary.

Either way, I am sure with time this written format will expose my assorted moods and accurately represent my current self.