Dirty

My college roommate and I were beyond lazy about cleaning. We once left a pile of spilled birdseed on the carpet until a friend down the hall drew a smiley face in it with her toe and we left it there...for weeks. Our microwave had noodles hanging from the top, and dishes were only done when they needed to be used again. I didn’t mind it then, and even now I chuckle about it.

I am still lazy about cleaning, but now the mess gets to me. Because I am on the floor playing trucks with my son all day, I a close up view of the cookie crumbs, dirt and debris, and an occasional dead bug. I am not one to volunteer to vacuum, but it sure comes out of the closet more often these days...or atleast I want to take it out of the closet more these days.

I can’t wait till my son is old enough to do chores.

Sick

When my son gets sick, he gets very clingy. He has followed me around the last few days with his hands up in the air, begging to be picked up. When I scooped him up, he would just rest his head on my shoulder. I did the best I could to give him the love and cuddles he needed, but after a few days of this it was hard not to get frustrated. Please, play with your trucks for a while.

Then this morning, I woke up feeling terribly sick. My throat hurt, my joints ached, and my head just wanted to stay on the pillow. After a warm cup of tea and a short, but much needed nap during my son's nap, I scooped him up and held his warm little body close to mine and said, "Don't you just want to cuddle all day?"

Arrivals

The moms of kids who nap well come to playgroups and classes showered, have their make-up applied, and bring homemade baked goods to share.

The moms of kids who do not nap well come wearing a modified version of their pajamas, their hair up in a ponytail, and are eating left-over cookies found in the diaper bag on the way over.

Guess which one I am.

Adult Dinner

This past weekend, my husband and I got to do something we hadn’t done in months: have a completely relaxing adult dinner out on our back porch.  After realizing there was no time to make and eat dinner before baby’s bath and bed routine, we delayed dinner and took a short family walk instead.  After getting our son to bed, we stepped outside, grilled up some food, and relaxed on the porch with a glass of wine.  It has been enjoyable and important to us to sit down as a family at dinnertime, but there was something so satisfying about being done with the parent responsibilities while we ate.  There was no entertaining a little one, no slamming toys or stories interrupted.  It was peaceful sitting in the warm summer weather and late sunset.  I felt like a wife again, and not just a mom.  We both enjoyed it so much, we did it again the next night. 

Sound Asleep

My son went to sleep on his own tonight.  Just when I had convinced myself I had enough of the bouncing and shushing routine, he squirmed to get out of my arms.  As soon as I let him down, he noticed the familiar patterns and pictures along the crib’s edge and relaxed.  His hand rushed out to touch the fabric and he began to quietly babble.  Not knowing if I should stay or go, I sat on the edge of the rocker. 

 

I should go, I decided.  The dishes could be done.  I could run the video monitor and be close if this experiment went south.  But it didn’t.  He talked to himself, looked around, and tossed his legs a few times before he was out.  His eyes were closed with a hand outstretched, softly reaching out.  What a relief, he can fall asleep without my bouncing routine. He just showed me so.

 

This is great...I think. He will still want to be held some before bedtime, right? As this milestone comes, another phase ends.  As exhausting and difficult as it has been, there is nothing better than the warm, weary weight of my son cradled between my cheek and shoulder as he falls asleep. 

 

This transition to falling asleep on his own leaves me heartbroken and relieved all at the same time.

Perfect

This is why I live in California.

Dawn

When I could be sleeping,

I can't stop watching him.

When I should be sleeping,

I keep gazing at his face.

He has on that special expression,

the one that makes him look so sweet.

He's made that small sound,

Like he's about to awake.

So I hold him still,

In a warm embrace.

For the chance

to admire him

longer.